I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
