when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
