In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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