You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
