and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
