Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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