oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
