Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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