I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
