Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
