mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
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All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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