I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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