Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
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I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
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Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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