i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
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It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
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I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
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She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it