I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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