I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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