"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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