I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE