My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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