Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
