I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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