Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
