I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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