you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
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FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
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After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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