I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??