I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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