Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
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I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
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Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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