i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
