Please, let me fuck your mom
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
