I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
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He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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