My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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