every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
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So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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