hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
