Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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