quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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