My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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