Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?