Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there