did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
19 Groupies Confess What It’s Really Like To Hook Up With Famous Rockstars
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today