I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind