I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
i've created a new STD.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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