Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
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literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
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Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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