i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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