I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
