I didn't shave. On purpose
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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