A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
