So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
