Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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