Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
