u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
