I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
