it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.