I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.