If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
