On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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